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So I’m having coffee about 20 minutes ago and can’t help but overhear a middle-age sounding female ‘vintage’ store manager interviewing a white and twentysomething sounding prospective employee. The first part of the conversation that pricked my ear was this:

Manager: So you rap. What’s your rap like?

20somethingwhiteguy: I shape it after my heroes really. You know, old school stuff.

The rap angle goes nowhere so I go back to what I’m doing and a few minutes later, the prospective employee catches my ear with this random shit…

20somethingwhiteguy: I’m not violent, but I get angry. Like I was cutting the cable wire at my mom’s house for the TV and my mom flipped out on me for cutting too much of the wire away and I flipped out on her. I was like ‘why are you intimidating me for no reason?’ I guess sometimes I have a problem with authority unless they’re gracious. If they’re gracious then I find I want to work even harder.

AND THE MANAGER DOESN’T END THE INTERVIEW. She doesn’t react, doesn?t respond, doesn?t seem phased in any way. So now I’m glued.

Manager: Ok, so if a woman came in and asked you to help her find 60’s clothes for her boyfriend to wear to a costume party would you be able to handle that?

20somethingwhiteguy: 60’s clothes? I don’t know. 70’s maybe.

Manager: So 60’s… (she says, hemming, pushing for a positive response).

20somethingwhiteguy: Well I guess 60’s too. Sure.

Unprompted, 20somethingwhiteguy then goes off about his brother, the investment banker, and his brother?s successful friends for a few minutes before the manager rounds it back to the hard questions?

Manager: Are you good at following rules?

20somethingwhiteguy: To be honest I can follow rules but it?s hard when I feel somebody?s over-enforcing. If I feel like somebody?s abusing their power I have a tendency to distance myself from them. Korean?s are all about discipline. They take it too far sometimes. Not the most gracious people?

Manager: So would you say you have a problem with them?

And now I?m losing it. I actually laugh-cough into my hand as to not be found out and miss 20somethingwhiteguy?s answer to the question. Tears are streaming from my eyes.

I?m waiting for the manager to shut the shit down and walk, but it doesn?t happen and they?re directly behind me. So I fake a stretch and turn to find out that the 20somethingwhite guy is in fact a pudgy 40+ Korean guy with CHIPS hair, a white oxford and stone-washed jeans. (and not in an ironic way)

WTF? What does he rap about? Fighting with his mother? How not gracious Korean’s are? How not violent he is? And why does he need a job at a ‘vintage’ store? So it’ll look like he actually planned to rock those crazy bad pants and that circa 82 hairdo?

Wow. Too many layers…

Anyway–so the manager asks him what his goals are, how he sees his future and what?s the last thing I hear him say before the interview ends?

RAP IS MY DREAM, BUT FASHION IS MY LIFE.

Well put, son. Not sure what happened after that, but I can only hope that homeboy just scored that coveted counter job at Aardvark?s so that when I?m looking for some 60?s clothes to wear to that costume party?

DON’T TAKE THE RED PILLS…

Put an ad up on Craig?s List to find somebody to rent out the extra room in my house.

Here?s the first responder:

Hello -

My name is Ethan. I saw your ad on craigslist. I’d love some more information, but It’s the neighborhood I want and it sounds like you have a great place. I know it’s hard looking for new roommates, but hopefully I’m a match because the neighborhood is ideal for me.

A little bit about me. I’m 26. I’m originally from New York, though I’ve been in LA for nearly a decade now. I’m a college graduate. I studied American Political History and the History of Twentieth Century Art. I’ve traveled quite a bit, lived in England for a while, even been to every state but Alaska. I’m neat and respectful, and oh yeah, I’m a recent JEOPARDY! champion. Find that in another prospective roommate! Lot’s of other stuff too, but that’s a start. Please get in touch if you think it could work.

I look forward to hearing from you.

- Ethan

Unofficial Curling ambassador? Now I?m sure running around on ice with a broom and sliding heavy, polished granite stones towards a target is a whole lot of fun and Ethan?s nice as pie, but politician hair has been banned from the house for quite some time now and I?m not ready just yet for a history lesson every time I turn on BBC morning news.

Planned to dress up as Alex Trabeck and ask do the roommate interview Jeopardy!-style, having him pick categories (i.e. ?All About Ethan?) and give his answers in the form of a question. Spent two fucking days trying to gather cameras and find ways to hide them, but unless Ethan?s blind as a bat or I literally sacrifice my security deposit, tear down walls and throw up a two-way mirror it ain?t gonna happen.