Archive for the 'Hero of the Week' Category

Hero of the Week: Muntadar al-Zaidi

“This is a goodbye kiss from the Iraqi people, dog.” Mr. al-Zaidi howled as he threw his first shoe at President George W. Bush. “This is for the widows and orphans and all those killed in Iraq,” he yelled as he threw the second.

Well put, Mr. al-Zaidi.

Thank you for sacrificing your shoes and saying what many have wanted to say to that squinty shitbag for 8 years. And I know it’s only Monday, but unless somebody punches George Bush square in the face by Friday, I don’t think there will be a better candidate for “Hero of the Week” this week. So send me your address Mr. al-Zaidi and I’ll send you some kicks. And not sandals, something that will hurt when it hits.

This pair’s on me.

Hero of the Week

For those who have a cellphone permanently attached to your skull or can’t be alone with your thoughts long enough to find out who you really are, meet Zac Sunderland.

Zac’s sailing around the world alone in a 60 foot wooden boat and he’s 16. SIXFUCKINGTEEN! He’s made it 12,000 miles so far and sure Magellan didn’t have a satellite phone, but a satellite phone doesn’t come in real handy against 12 foot swells or Indonesian pirates, and that’s why he’s also got a .357 Magnum on board (a .357 his parents bought for him). Necessary yes, but needless to say, his parents won’t be sharing the Hero of the Week award.

On the other hand, he’ll be old enough to go to war and murder people in the countries he’s sailing past in two years anyway, so why not just let the kid sail.

Read L.A. Times’ ‘Adventure on the High Seas.’

Hero of the Week

Colin Powell

Though he was still holding onto the whole “well from the information provided us by the intelligence community” BS as a reason for going into Iraq, I’m stoked he’s endorsing Barack. Could be the key to swaying that elusive war-monger, swing-voter contingent into Barack’s court.

No fear, he nailed on “Meet The Press” Sunday. Took the truth head on. It’s not like he can redeem himself completely, but it’s a step in the right direction and I’m lovin’ this bear of a man right now.

Thing is he’s no Spring chicken and this happens when people get old, when they see death winking at them. They get soft and scared. Even the most robot cock stubborn shits start apologizing, praying and acting human again.

My father, general blue-collar badass, lifelong atheist and despiser of the Catholic church, just got baptized at some non-denominational “alternative” church. Bapfuckingtized?!

Dude slid the announcement in between breathes about the Bears game and a one of his usual declarations of lust for Beyonce Knowles as if he was dropping the time.

He’s old, 73, so blue-collar 103, and lives in some palatial retirement super-subdivision outside Chicago. At first he played it off as some weekend social event that got out of hand, but I wasn’t buying it. My father’s never been a follower, and he’s a big guy. It’s not like his geriatric frat buddies could hold him down and make him take a hit off the holy water bong. He had to want it.

When he told me I was in a state of shock, speechless. My immediate instinct was to call the nurse to make sure he wasn’t abusing his meds. The idea that, after 73 years on earth, the old man may be looking for some “savior” scares the hell out of me. He’s been on death’s door for about 5 years straight. He has diabetes, had cancer, multiple heart failures, and a quintuple bi-pass, lost a kidney, and was on dialysis until only a few months ago. I’m missing a few things here, but is this any reason to get baptized?!

I’ve seen death and it’s not that scary. Fuck the crutches and the wings.

And besides the pseudo-spiritual implications of this mess, what the fuck are we going to talk about at dinner when I visit if we’re not ragging on the greed and perversion of the Catholic church and the evils of organized religion?

Next he’ll tell me he’s voting for McCain.

And I’ll dose his Metamusil with Rohypnol and Ketamine, take his other kidney and sell it on the black market to raise even more money for the Obama campaign.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Just kidding old man!!!!!

Instead, dear old dad’s going to share Hero of the Week with Colin Powell because he got baptized at some goofy hippy church and as per usual doesn’t give a shit what anybody thinks about it.

That’s my amazing mother on the right.