Sleep Never Seeks Cartographer to Redraw Map of Middle East.

Skilled in the art of mapmaking?

Over this Israel/Hamas “he hit me first,” bullshit?

Me too. Totally fucking over it.

I have friends on both sides. I used to see both sides. Now I see neither.

It’s like the Crips and Bloods, but instead of thugs rolling through Watts in lowered Cultlasses strapped with Tech 9’s and AK’s, we’ve got soldiers rolling through Gaza in Merkavas and militia lobbing Katyusha rockets willy-nilly into southern Israeli. How is it that these two international political forces can’t stop shedding each other’s blood for more than 2 hours when two street gangs who don’t have a GED between them have somehow found it within themselves to call seize fires time and time again?

I’m pissed. I’m sick of watching children die at the hands of jaded, stubborn, ignorant warmongering men.

Did Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert actually use the term “iron fist” today? Seriously? What century is this?

And Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, saying the militants were “closer to victory.” Victory? I’m curious as to what this idiot would consider a win. Right now it’s Israel 900 Hamas 13. Must have one hell of a half-time speech prepared.

But just because they want live like barbarians doesn’t mean we have to. Let’s do the world a favor, take initiative and redraw the map of the Middle East so that future generations can live in peace.

And while we embrace the art of cartography I want Israel and Hamas to face the corner. If you can’t play nice, you can’t play at all.

1st off, Jerusalem is done. No more Holy Lands. No more 4 quarters. Sorry, Armenians. I know you aren’t involved in the current Middle East conflict, but the fact is we’ve never been friends.

Remember me? Use to live on Gramercy Place? I was the guy that walked by you on the way to the coffee shop every single day while you sat playing backgammon and smoking cigars on the couch you kept on your lawn.

I’d smile and say “hello” every day and every day you’d just glare back at me, maybe mumbling something under your breath in Armenian or tossing an empty bag of whatever you were grazing on at the time, to the ground?

When I asked the one genuinely friendly Armenian I’d met after living your hood for five years about my quandaries regarding your cultural views on social etiquette and neighborly greetings, he simply explained that if my people had been fucked throughout history as much as his people had, I’d understand.

My people? I don’t have people. I have only me and I don’t have time for bad vibes. So if you want to prove me wrong, hit me up, I’m down for a game of backgammon, but until then, you’ve lost your quarter.

Christians. You may not be strapped today, but don’t act like you’re above it. Besides the fact that I attended to Catholic grade school where 2 of the 4 priests on staff were defrocked for child molestation (see #27 Hogan and #64 Romano), we all remember the Spanish Inquisition, The Crusades, that crazy fucker Constantine, all that bad stuff so PACK.YO.SHIT.

There is no god. Get over it. Get the fuck along and focus on the now because that’s all you’ve got you retarded shitbags!

Tear the shrines down! Temple of the Mount, The Western Wall, The Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Dome of the Rock, al-Aqsa Mosque, all of them. Raze that shit.

In it’s place I propose a new development:

JERUSALEM TWO: THE VEGAS OF THE MIDDLE EAST! The land will be developed into casinos run by an international team of refugees affected by human rights violations and the money will be used to house the needy, to R&D fossil fuel alternatives and cancer, diabetes, MS, Alzheimer’s and HIV/AIDS treatments and cures, to contain and breed endangered species, to build a an amusement park for terminally ill children and all kinds of other positive shit.

Sound crazy? Sure. But unless you have a better plan…

Break out the papyrus.

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