Tag Archive for 'Kelly Cutrone'

Sleep Never’s “Magic Wonder” Dipping Sauce Recipe

No, seriously. I created the “Magic Wonder” last night as a condiment for Thai Joe’s Coconut Curry Chicken Stix to eat as a pre-“Hills” finale snack.

I was supposed to appear on it, or be seen drinking water in a Starbucks cup on it, but the fuckers cut me out! Some sneaky sad sack field producer came up to Johnny and Jess and I at Starbucks on Melrose, asked if they could buy us coffee and shoot us looking cool – said it was for some “documentary on Los Angeles.”

And I can do cool. So I ask for some paper. They hand us releases, then I probe further and find out they’re actually shooting us to be on “The Hills!” — but feel free to dip whatever you want in it – THE FUCKING HILLS I say! You know that little weekly “documentary about Los Angeles” starring Lauren Fucking Conrad! And Audrina! And Spencer and Heidi and Lo!

My life would have been so awesome after that. Once I was in I’m sure I could’ve worked my way from picking up “Latin types” with Frankie Delgado to being the next big Bromance, surfing on Maui with the boys, making out with Playboy models at Area. Just going big or whatever.

Who knows, the way things go on that show, Lauren might tell me how cute I look one day and the next they ask me back for next season to replace Kelly Cutrone as the new villain. Play it right, I probably could’ve ended up getting an energy drink sponsorship, releasing an imaginary sex tape, or doing a billboard for Christian Audigier.

Maybe start my own clothing, then do my own spin off show where I play me and hang out with my real fake friends and get a real fake job and start real fake rumors and have real fake fights with people and hold real fake grudges until I totally make up with them in a totally real fake way when sweeps comes around again.

Yes, things would’ve been different for me today if some jealous asshole editor hadn’t left me on the cutting room floor, but (s)he did, and it’s not. My life is exactly the same today as it was yesterday.

I am still not on “The Hills.” I am still broke and I am still not famous in a very real way.

All you need to make this sauce are three ingredients, two of which you’ll find at most Trader Joe’s and the other you might find in your heart: 1. Trader Joe’s Aioli Garlic Mustard Sauce, 2. Organic Blue Agave Sweetener and 3. A little love.

They should make “Justin Brody” dolls. One half is Brody Jenner rocking his Brody Jenner hair, puppy dog eyes and a Smet t-shirt and the other half is Justin Bobby, rocking his signature pout and perma-crunched brow and comes with changeable outfits for his many looks so you can play dress up: a strap-on beard, flannel, Dogtown hat, hoodies and floods and chaps, overalls and a motorcycle helmet… Pull the string and they each side takes a turn spouting bro wisdom.

Brody’s side keeps the peace and Justin Bobby’s keeps it real.

Justin Bobby’s says things like “it’s us against the world, baby. Who cares what they say?” And Brody’s on the “Why can’t we all just get along and surf?” tip.

“At the end of the day,” he’d say, “we’re in Hawaii with our best friends, some sweet honeys and look how beautiful it is here, bro! Come on, man! Let’s just do a shot. Who wants to do a shot?”

1. Grab a bowl and a teaspoon. Drop a dollop of Trader Joe’s Aioli Garlic Mustard Sauce into the bowl.

2. Add about three times as much Organic Blue Agave Sweetener to the bowl as you did your Trader Joe’s Aioli Garlic Mustard Sauce, then add some love and stir into Magic Wonder Dipping Sauce.

3. Dip things in there.

4. Eat the things you dipped in the Magic Wonder dipping sauce in step 3.

So good, right?

You can thank me later.