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‘THE REAL WORLD’ GETS REAL?

What ever happened to AIDS?

This is all I could think as the new cast of ?The Real World? (Hollywood) was revealed a few weeks a go.

As Hollywood Holt says, ?I?m old as balls,? and while ushering in the new I harkened back to when the very first Real World premiered.

It felt real, and in feeling real, it was kind of awesome and depressing at the same time. It tackled homosexuality, homophobia, race relations, AIDS, death and extreme mountain biking and none of the cast were particularly attractive, just like in the real world.

Compare to ?The Hills,? the shit was pretty poignant.

But in order to understand this season?s ?Real World? cast, you have to understand last season?s. And before I tell you about last season?s, I should probably tell you why I know anything about this subject.

I stumbled upon last season?s ?Real World? when I was high and vulnerable and I was hooked. Pot and TV, on Tivo Sunday?s for me anyway, have become a welcomed addition to my life. Watching stupid people do dumb things for some reason soothes me.

Now back to ?The Real World.?

So last season?s cast consisted of?

Shauvon from Sacramento: a bleach-blonde trashy stripper-looking battered woman-type with size DDD breasts:

shauvon

Trisha from Fresno: A bleach-blonde trashy Bible-banging, homophobic, lying, cheating, childish, boyfriend/no boyfriend having ho:

trisha

Parisa, the very vital, pseudo-intellectual, singer/songwriter/journalist/make-out-of-her-league bandit Muslim girl
.
parisa

Cohutta from Blue Ridge, Georgia - the token hillbilly who spends much of his time calling his ?good ?ol boy? grandfather back home for love advice. (Sweet or creepy? You decide.)

cohutta

KellyAnne (one word), Austin, Texas: premier dick tease/attention whore turned snore when she became Cohutta?s temporary ho.

kellyanne

Dunbar, a violent jock, molestation victim, sexist, frat boy, hillbilly who wants to fight everybody in the whole house at some point.

dunbar

Ashli (with an ?I?) The dick tease/attention whore who took Trish?s place in the house when Trish was thrown out for knocking Parisa on her ass in the midst of a cat fight over who was the bigger phone hog.

ashli

The most ?real? of the cast being, Isaac, a Jewish ?hip-hop? producer from Cleveland who had acid flashbacks, swam nude in the house fish tank at one point and claimed that black birds visited him every time somebody close to him died.

isaac

Last season was totally devoid of substance, but the drinking, violence, schoolyard name-calling and whoring made it an entertaining enough hour of television.

So, a few weeks back, this season?s cast is revealed.

And at first glance it looks like an even less vital version of last season?s cast.

Like their tempting fate to see if the whole thing will end up with a final episode that resembles a drunk, rage-induced version of the Houston 500.

Instead of Trish you have Kimberly an elitist racist white girl with a thick southern drawl.

kimberly

We swap out Dunbar for the daring duo of Joey, a meathead, gel-head, half-retard beefcake from my hometown of Chicago — Thatta boy! Make us proud Joey!

joey

and Dave, a frat boy beefcake with a propensity for wearing circa 2002 screen-printed tees, Karate-kid style bandanas and binge drinking with strangers.

david

We replace Shauvon, the bleach-blonde trashy stripper-looking battered woman-type with size DDD breasts with Brianna, a bleach-blonde trashy, real-life stripper and certified man batterer with small B?s from Philly. She wants to be a singer, but she doesn?t want to quit smoking, and ‘being a professional singer is a lot of work.’

brianna

Sarah, from Phoenix, takes the dick tease/attention whore position for making out with Will (see below) a few hours after telling everybody about her ?best friend? boyfriend back home.

sarah

Will, a black hip-hop producer from Detroit takes Isaac?s spot as being most even-keeled of the bunch. (That?s if we disregard his straight up ?House Party 6? hair and wardrobe.)

will

And then they throw a wildcard in, Greg, a black dude from Daytona Beach, who calls himself ?pretty boy,? refers to female companions as associates, and has a ?passion? for runway modeling. (He can pout, twirl his jacket around his face like it?s a winged beast attacking him and then put that same jacket he was twirling on without breaking a beat, and all this while strutting down the runway.

(And I know you ?think? you may have seen this kind of thing happen a million times before, but trust me. When it?s done correctly, this move will blow your mind.)

greg

Lame.

From the get-go it looks like a snore?

and then Joey starts drinking? into the day, downing Boon?s Farm a bottle at a time, bringing home sluts, destroying the house, threatening female cast mates, smashing his head into walls, punching himself in the face, talking to himself and attacking invisible people.

No, I?m serious. It?s crazy.

And I?m quickly realizing what evil genius? ?The Real World? producers are, but in order to understand their genius, you have to understand that it?s borrowed.

From whom you ask?

From ?Interfuckingvention,? motherfucker. That?s who.

Ever seen ?Intervention?? If not, you?re missing out. It?s awesome. If watching it alone can?t get you sober, it?ll definitely make you think twice about having that seventh after work beer, line, shot or smoke, or at the very least, give the inspiration to grab your crew, gang up on your most fucked up friend and send them somewhere warm and boring to sober up.

They used to run it on Friday?s, but the shit wasn?t nearly as potent as when they switched the episodes to Sunday and Mondays, when addict viewer?s hangover?s are really kicking in and they?re feeling all sorts of guilty about the less than savory ?recreational? alcoholic and/or chemical activities they indulged in over the weekend.

The shit is high drama. (Excuse the pun.)

ACT I: Introduce addict. Make viewers realize how loving, loved, talented, successful, whatever this addict was before they became addicted to whatever.

ACT II: See addict eat shit. This can include: lying, thieving, violence, crying, belligerence, sickness, treating friends and family like shit and sometimes prostitution. Act II concludes with the intervention. What loved ones are left gather round to give addict an ultimatum: Rehab or the highway.

ACT III: Addict gets sober and rises to greatness once again (8 times out of 10) or addict tells loved ones to go fuck themselves, then disappears or dies. Then, of course, there are the addicts that go to rehab, call an audible, split halfway through to do it ?their way,? or leave rehab only to run happily back to the addiction that threatened to destroy them in the first place.

Everybody loves to see a phoenix rise from the ashes. Others love to see the phoenix rise, only to have its wings sheered clean off midflight by a kamikaze dive into some telephone wires. This show fulfills both needs.

The only problem with ?Intervention? is that I?m addicted to it. They teased us earlier in the year with balls out previews: lots of crack, booze, heroine, meth, violence, less bulimia and anorexia ? awesome. Then a couple of episodes aired, one crazy sad death, then nothing.

?Intervention? disappeared.

For weeks, hearing the theme music, like Pavlov?s dog, I?d dash into the house from the street and overtake my roomie for the remote only to find? another fucking preview. WTF?

Withdrawal set in. I was cramping up on the couch, baby?s crawling cross the ceiling? and then ?The Real World? came and ripped ?Intervention?s? shit right off to save me.

To save US.

Simply put, Meathead Joey?s a drunk and ‘on the juice’ and stripper Bri?s a speed freak.

ACCIDENT? Don?t think so.

I assume, and I may be wrong, that the producers are required to asked the cast, for insurance purposes, if any of the housemates had any problems with drugs or alcohol.

Joey claims he ?used to be an alcoholic? (four months ago) so I?m assuming that?s what he told the producers.

Brianna admits to the rest of the cast that she ?used to have a problem with coke and meth? when she?s forced to explain why she ran out of a nightclub crying after making out with another girl. (It had nothing to do with the bumping, grinding, fondling and playing tonsil hockey with a complete stranger on national television. It was that said frenching buddy was on coke. Bri ?could taste it in her mouth.?)

Anybody else have a boner?

Me neither.

So as previously mentioned, from the minute Joey gets on the show he?s drinking heavily, downing vodka by the bottle at what seems like every last call they cover.

Wait?Did I tell you the drunk and the speed freak are kinda sorta hooking up?

Well, they?re not now (and this has nothing to do with the fact that Joey?s clearly gay), but they were.

That was until Joey started getting sloppy and jealous and violent and angry, turning into? Tiffany the crying girl? every time he gets drunk and threatening suicide only to forget about, and completely disregard, said threats in the morning.

So Bri the speed freak loses interest and we get to watch Joey gradually lose his mind: His workouts get more violent, his outbursts more frequent, his inner rage begins to glow like he?s trapped inside some emotion detecting x-ray machine.

Finally, after a 15 shot plus night of drinking Joey snaps, returns to the house to trash it, threatens everybody in it, and when morning comes and the other cast members attempt to talk to him about the previous night?s outbursts, he says ?fuck you, I?m out,? packs his shit and bolts.

Punk fucking rock.

But Joey doesn?t get far, because they stop him, the real world producers do: two dudes, both nondescript, one short, one tall, one with glasses and his headset still on.

Why? Because they care.

?No you don?t,? Joey says.

?No, we really do,? Headset says. Joey looks to Shorty and Shorty agrees.

They ask Joey if he really wants to go.

Joey says he does and I believe him. He?s jacked and halfway back to grandma?s (the most important person in his life) at this point.

And then Headset offers him ?an opportunity? to get some help.

Joey?s gun shy at first, but the producers let him know they?ve got a great ?30? day program that?ll help him get off the booze and the ?supplements? and then guess what?

HE CAN COME RIGHT BACK TO THE FUCKING REAL WORLD HOUSE.

GEEEEENNNNIIIUUUUUUSSSSS!

And Joey doesn?t even balk. He?s down. Headset and Shorty reiterate once more how much they truly care about Joey. Joey starts balling and thanks them graciously for the opportunity to get better because he knew he needed help. He just didn?t know how to ask.

Joey goes and tells the cast mates about his temporary hiatus, they congratulate him on his courageous decision ? it?s the right thing to do — and then we cut to Joey?s talking head in front of a dramatically lit black screen telling us about the trials and tribulations he?s faced in life, his struggle with alcohol and how he?s excited to get better, to focus on getting sober.

The lighting, the music, the whole fucking scene turns into an episode of ?Intervention!?

This guy?s been fucked up for over a decade. They?re going to send him to some Malibu spa for 30 quick days to tidy him up a bit and send him back into the lion?s den where he?s gonna find more booze, club sluts and ?Jo Jo the Ho Ho? feeding on what?s left of speed freak stripper Bri after the rest of Hollywood?s done feasting on her.

Sad? Sure.

Dumb. Pretty much.

Entertaining? Most definitely.

But the scariest question one might ask oneself when reflecting on Real World?s both past and present is: Is ?The Real World? getting sadder and dumber?

Or are we?